A dear John e-mail...

So if you are insensitive enough to pull a Joe-Bro and break up with someone via e-mail/text but just can't find the words then this is for you.

It's http://www.breakupemail.com/. basically the website asks you a few questions, you answer and then Voila! They compose a quite humorous, yet mean spirited e-mail. you just copy, paste and send and then the deal is done.

I have taken the liberty to compose a sample for you below:

Dear So-and-So,
I'm writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. Do you realize that you're a total loser? You've changed too much since we met, and I don't like it. I can't believe how selfish you are. Relationships are supposed to be about sharing, jerk. Your arrogance seems to have no limits; it's as if you think you're
actually somebody. I know you'll probably tell everyone that you dumped me,
because you're a liar. But everyone knows that already, so they won't believe
you. I called the nursery school program, and they agreed to let you in after
they assessed your maturity level. You know, a little respect can go a long way.
But the amount of respect you give me is only enough for ME to go a long way. A
long way away from you, douchebag. And another thing: take a freakin shower! You
smell so bad that the garbage collectors wonder what the smell is when they come
down the street. Maybe part of the problem is that you drink so much. You can't
actually call gin-flakes or beerios breakfast. Why do you have to be so messy?
How hard is it to put your dirty underwear in the laundry machine and wash a few
dishes now and again? Frankly, you just don't care enough about me. Luckily I
care enough about me to make up for it, by saying goodbye to you. I can't
believe you forgot my birthday! Who does that? The fact that you forgot our
anniversary just confirms that it's time for "we" to become "me." It's not easy
to carry on a successful relationship with someone like you. And by that, I mean
someone who is downright stupid, you feebleminded dimwit. Oh yeah, I almost
forgot to point out that you're pure evil, a characteristic that most people do
NOT appreciate. You might want to work on that. I also really need more space, I
don't like feeling like an elephant in a telephone booth. I hope you understand.
The wise Righteous Brothers wrote a song called "You've lost that lovin'
feeling." You might want to listen to it a few times, because I've lost that
loving feeling.
Why do you spend so little money on me? Buying me a happy
meal at McDonald's does not count as taking me out to dinner. If you ever get
engaged, just remember that an onion ring is not a valid replacement for a
wedding ring. You're like cling wrap around me, but what you need to realize is
that I am not a vegetable and your clinginess is unbearable. Sometimes you need
to take things a bit slower, and just have fun. Unfortunately, this relationship
is becoming too serious for my tastes. And as if that wasn't enough, you have to
criticize me all the time! Now it's my turn to be the critic. I give you one
thumb up: stick it up your ass! All that nagging of yours worked, assuming your
intent was to get rid of me. At first I couldn't understand what smelled so bad
when I spent time with you, but now it's clear: you're spoiled like a piece of
meat left out in the sun. You don't live in a soap opera, so quit causing so
much drama. I'm not a puppet, you can't just control me by pulling on a string,
so why do you try to control everything I do? I need my freedom, and there's
nothing you can do about it. Another problem is that you're irresponsible, and I
just don't want to put up with the consequences of your decisions anymore. What
really breaks the deal is your horrible grammar. Srsly d00d, learn 2 rite a
sentance!
Sorry, but you're not even worth keeping as a friend. Why are you
so boring? I've seen rocks that are more interesting than you. I never want to
see you again, jerkface! Stay away from me or I'll beat you with a frozen
salmon. I think you get the idea: this relationship is over.
Yours truly,
Hillary